sad stuff about marriage and sex

very interesting journal article summary about sex and marriage, and why it goes away.

Sims, K.E. & Meana, M. (2010). Why Did Passion Wane? A Qualitative Study of Married Women's Attributions for Declines in Sexual Desire.

EMERGENT THEME #1: INSTITUTIONALIZATION OF THE RELATIONSHIP

Marriage was generally spoken about as a passage from independence, freedom, and excitement to one of commitment, responsibility, and routine. Sex also changed during this time from being characterized by physical pleasure, fun, and excitement to an expression of love and, more negatively, to an expectation/obligation in the relationship.

De-eroticized conceptualization of marriage.Commitment, monogamy, the forming of a family, comfort, stability, and security were all spoken of as valued aspects of marriage, but participants also expressed that they interfered with sexual desire.

“There was a lot of desire when I was dating, excitement. On the flip side, when you’re married, I know exactly how my husband is going to touch me, I know how much he loves me and I’m not embarrassed to take my clothes off. There’s a comfort there that is important to me. It’s just not as exciting . . . the desire is lost.”

Over-availability and over-accessibility of sex.Participants reported that sex in marriage became too readily available, and this had a de-eroticizing effect. They missed the “butterflies” and anticipation of these hastily planned encounters.

Lack of transgression in married sex. Participants consistently talked about marriage having robbed sex of its excitement by sanctioning it. They recalled feeling desire when sex was more forbidden and illicit. Sexual rendezvous were more often spontaneous and frequently involved some risk of getting caught. Sex under these conditions felt naughty, dangerous, and purportedly sparked significant desire

EMERGENT THEME #2: OVER-FAMILIARITY

Knowing each other as well as they did fulfilled important emotional needs, but it also led to a type of stagnation in their sexual dynamics. Romance fell by the wayside, as did innovation, individuality, and self-care.

Dissipation of romance. Almost unanimously, participants longed for romance in their relationships and viewed its loss as central to their waning desire.

“ Make me feel special. Make me feel loved and I’ll give you all the sex in the world because I would feel it..like playing with my hair, kissing me on the forehead, hugging me when he comes home from work. Things like that would make me . . . want to have sex with him . . . none of those things happen anymore.”

Overly familiar sexual advances. Sweet words and subtle suggestions of love-making had been frequently replaced with overt suggestions of sex, accompanied by not so welcome “groping,” “pinching,” and “grabbing.”

Mechanical sex. Women initially welcomed the idea that their partners knew their bodies well. Over time, however, this comfort was replaced with boredom and predictability.

Lack of individuality. Participants made it clear that their families had become their priority. As a result, they had stopped nurturing outside friendships and interests and reported losing a sense of individual self.

“I go through my day being mom and cleaning, doing stuff . . . for everybody. I don’t really do things for myself. I don’t have any hobbies. I don’t sit and read a book . . . If I could have more time to myself then maybe I would want more time with him.”

Declines in physical self- and partner-care.Participants reported a creeping de-emphasis on maintaining physical attractiveness (in both themselves and their husbands), which had an insidious effect on sexual desire. They shared that they had gained weight after marriage (and childbirth) and felt “fat” and “not sexy.” Still others insisted on the lights being off or wearing T-shirts during sex or specific intercourse positions to minimize their discomfort with their bodies. A number of women did not like being “upright” or “on top” because “If I am closer to him, then he can’t see it,” referring to her “rolls.” Participants acknowledged having lost physical attraction for their spouses, as the latter had also stopped attending to their physical appearance after marriage

EMERGENT THEME #3: DE-SEXUALIZED ROLES

Participants found it very difficult to see themselves in a sexy light outside the shadows of their roles and independent of their responsibilities as wives, mothers, and professionals.

The “to-do list” phenomenon Women felt bogged down by the burdens of everyday life and the obligations that accompanied their numerous nonsexual roles. The items on their “to do” lists preoccupied their thoughts and served as a cognitive distraction from sexual concerns

“I just feel there are certain things in a day that I want to do and if I haven’t done all that, I can’t focus on him . . . I know I need to make him one of those things on my list . . . ”

Because sex was viewed as work, some participants reported that it was easier to masturbate than to engage in sex with their husbands on those occasions when they needed a sexual outlet

Multiple role incompatibilities. The women had difficulty transitioning from one role to another. This was most salient for the transition from mom to lover and vice versa.

“I feel like I’m 90% mom and 10% wife. It’s hard to go from ‘mom, I need this’ and making dinner and cleaning up and doing laundry and changing diapers and then all of a sudden he’s in bed and I’m supposed to rip my clothes off and just feel like a sex-pot. I just can’t transition like that.”

A number of participants raising small children felt over-touched. At the end of a long day, they yearned for “space” and “alone time” rather than affection or sexual touching.

Lack of self-desirability. They no longer felt sexy and desirable, regardless of their husbands’ compliments.

“Every time he sees me, when I take my clothes off to get in the shower or to get dressed, he’s always complimentary—even yesterday . . . he was whistling at me. I’m like, “What are you doing?” because I’m always like, “You’re crazy.” When I’m getting ready to go out, he’ll say to the kids, “Look at your mommy. Doesn’t she look hot?” . . . I just ignore him because I think, “What are you looking at?”